A TYPICAL PROBLEM IN MOST MARRIAGES

- Pst. Gavin Aleogho

  

It was a joyous celebration in the house of Caleb who bought his first car, a dark blue Honda Civic 2010 model. Before I came to their residence that day, there were a lot of people already in Caleb’s house. I could only recognize a few of the faces in the house.

 

In that celebration mood, I discovered that his wife's countenance was not okay. Although she tried to fake a smile, as a good observer, I discovered that she was not really happy. As a close friend and a spiritual counsellor to the couple, I excused her and asked, “What’s the matter, my sister? You know you can’t lie to me. What is going on?”

 

“Yes, Pastor Gavin. I am supposed to be happy. But my husband?

 

“What is it about your husband?” I pressed further.

 

“You would not believe that my husband never told me that he was going to buy a car.” She voiced out with tears in her eyes.

 

When I asked Caleb why he didn’t carry the wife along concerning the plan to buy a car for the family, he objected and said, “She is not telling the truth, but I told her. I remember telling her, and she did not say anything.”

 

“When did you tell her?” I asked.

 

“I told her a week before I bought the car.”

 

“Can you imagine, Pastor Gavin?” The wife said angrily.

 

“How did you tell her?” I probed further.

 

Facing the wife, he said, “When we hosted Mr. and Mrs. Rafia for dinner, we were all at the dinner table eating. I said it to everyone hearing that I will be buying a car next week.”

 

The wife interjected, “He said it casually, without seeking my input. Besides, that was the first time I was hearing my husband talking about buying a car. This is how he has been running the home for a long time now. My husband doesn't value me. He doesn't love me. He sees me as a nonentity in this house.”

 

“Babe, don’t say that. You know I love and value you.” The husband responded surprisingly.

 

OKAY, HERE IS A QUESTION FOR YOU...

 

Do you think the wife has reasons to be angry?

 

Was the husband actually wrong?

 

What do you say about the husband’s way of communicating his intention to his wife?

  

Now, let’s learn some lessons from this story.

 

10 IMPORTANT LESSONS TO AVOID TROUBLE IN YOUR MARRIAGE

 

LESSON 1: Communicate With An Open Mind

 

Don’t make up your mind before speaking to your spouse about important matters. Be willing to seek the opinion of your spouse before you execute the matter.

  

The danger of making up your mind before speaking to your spouse is that your mind is already made up. Whatever your spouse says will not change your mind.

 

LESSON 2: Seek To Have Dialogue With Your Spouse

 

Effective communication involves dialogue. Always seek to have a dialogue with your spouse concerning any important thing you want to talk about.  This was where Caleb got it wrong.

 

To have a dialogue is to have a discussion. To have dialogue is to have a conversation about the subject matter. It’s in the place of dialogue that suggestions are given. Your spouse also has something to bring to the table.

 

Husbands especially need to work on this aspect of their lives.

 

LESSON 3: Carry Your Spouse Along From The Onset

 

Except in the case of an emergency, ensure that you carry your spouse along from the inception of the idea. That was another problem with Caleb. Can you imagine that he has been planning for months to buy a car, but yet, he didn’t deem it fit to carry his wife along in the plan? You could now understand why the wife was angry.

 

Don’t jump on your spouse with an important issue that you would have spoken about earlier. If you must win your spouse over, speak to them about important issues on time.

 

LESSON 4: Consider The Environment

 

Just like there is a right time for everything. There is also the right place (environment) to discuss sensitive issues.

 

Don’t be like Caleb who was speaking about important issues to his wife in the presence of other people. Important issues should be discussed when both of you are alone; not even in the presence of your children. It could be at night or at any convenient time.

 

Your spouse must be the first person that should know about your next move, before any other person.

  

LESSON 5: Apply Empathy

 

Always put yourself in your spouse's shoes. If your spouse treats you the way you are treating him or her, will you be happy? Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.

 

Do you want your spouse to reveal the password of his or her bank account while you are hiding yours? It may not work. You want your wife to speak to you respectfully in a calm tone, but on the other hand, you speak to your wife as if she is trash. It does not work that way.

 

Always put yourself in the shoes of your spouse.

  

LESSON 6: Seek To Be Understood

 

Don’t just seek to be heard, but seek to be understood. Don’t just talk to your spouse; talk in such a way that your spouse will understand you clearly without any ambiguity.

 

LESSON 7: Get Rid Of Selfishness

 

Selfishness is the act of loving yourself. Selfishness is valuing only your opinion. Selfishness is seeking only your interest. You can’t convince your spouse when the motive behind your conversation is only for your personal interest.

 

LESSON 8: Ensure Your Spouse Is Fully Persuaded

 

Good intention is good, but it is not good enough unless you are able to persuade your spouse to buy into it. You must have the ability to sell your good intentions to your spouse, convincingly.

 

You shouldn’t just give commands or pass information casually to your spouse, like Caleb. You must convince your spouse to believe what you are trying to tell him or her.

 

LESSON 9: Be Patient With Your Spouse

 

Don’t rush things on your spouse. Give room for your spouse to come to your level of understanding. It might take some time for you to successfully persuade your spouse. Just keep at it. Rome is not built in a day.

 

LESSON 10: Pray To God About The Issue

 

The Lord is able to change anybody’s mind. When you are having a challenge convincing your spouse, then you have to talk to God to help you achieve that.

10 KEYS TO ATTAINING STRONG MARITAL BOND

- Pst. Gavin Aleogho

1. EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

 

It is easy for couples to work together when they are emotionally connected. Such emotional connection is achieved when the emotional needs of each spouse are fully satisfied. This includes, but isn't limited to sexual satisfaction.

 

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Romans 12:15

 

2. ALIGN YOUR VALUES AND GOALS

 

Have regular discussions with your spouse to ensure that you both are on the same page regarding your life goals, values, and vision.  Such an act will greatly increase the synergy in your marriage. The reverse is the case when couples do not align their goals together. They will end up moving in different directions; creating division.

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9

 

3. DEVELOP STRONG COMMUNICATION

 

When there is an environment where both partners feel safe to express their thoughts, needs, and concerns openly, it gives room for understanding and synergy in marriage.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Colossians 4:6

 

4. CULTIVATE TRUST AND TRANSPARENCY

 

In marriage, trust is the foundation for working together. When trust is built, working together becomes easy. Being honest, open, and transparent with each other will greatly increase the synergy in your marriage.

 

He who walks with integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out.

Proverbs 10:9

 

5. SPENDING QUALITY TIME TOGETHER

 

The more you spend time together, the more you have the opportunity to align your goals and vision together. Take advantage of calls and social media to stay in touch, if you can’t meet physically as you would have loved to. Be intentional about spending quality time together to bond together, emotionally and mentally.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 

Proverbs 3:3

 

6. ENCOURAGE AND MOTIVATE EACH OTHER

 

Your spouse will joyfully want to always carry you along when he or she is convinced that you are always an encourager. Believe in your spouse. Encourage your spouse. Don’t be selfish. Support each other’s personal growth and dreams.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11

 

7. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS AND RECONCILIATION

 

As you journey on this path of marriage, there will be friction and misunderstanding. Learn to quickly address conflicts and misunderstandings with humility and forgiveness to maintain unity and synergy in your marriage.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. 

Ephesians 4:32

 

8. EMBRACE TEAMWORK AND DELEGATION

 

Don’t be a jack of all trades. Don’t let your differences divide you. Rather, leverage on the strength of your spouse and delegate responsibility accordingly. Let your spouse feel belong. Let your spouse be part of the process towards achieving that goal. Don’t relegate your spouse to the corner.

 

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 

Galatians 6:2

 

9. GROWTH TOGETHER

 

By growing together, couples will bridge the gap between themselves. Each partner must see to the continuous improvement of the other. You can achieve this together by attending marriage workshops, reading books, and seeking marital counsel together.

Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

Proverbs 27:17

 

10. PRAYING TOGETHER

 

Praying together is one smart way to maintain synergy in your marriage. In prayer, you are activating spiritual help for the actualization of your dreams. Regularly pray together concerning any matter. Other spiritual activities like worship and doing Bible study together will also foster unity in your marriage.

 

The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. 

James 5:16

THRIVING AS A GIRL-CHILD

Written by Gavin Aleogho

 

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Psalms 139:14

 

Malala Yousafzai was born in 1997 in Swat Valley, Pakistan, to a modest family. Malala grew up in a region where the Taliban increasingly imposed strict rules, especially curtailing the education of girls. Thanks to her father, a passionate advocate for education. Her father inspired her to fight for the right to learn despite these oppressive conditions.

 

Despite the oppression and assassination attempt on her life, she rose to become a major voice for girl-child, an activist for girls-education. Through her advocacy, many girls rose from obscurity to prominence. She is a symbol of courage and resilience.

 

The story of Malala Yousafzai is one I love to use to inspire and motivate girls. It tells how a girl-child can rise to become what God has designed her to be, despite the many challenges confronting her.

 

The girl-child is a unique gift from God that everyone must recognize, appreciate, and celebrate. Her potential is limitless. A girl-child that is encouraged and supported by parents and society will always evolve to become a major contributor to the advancement of the society. This is why Michelle Obama said, “When girls are educated, their countries become stronger and more prosperous."

There is no doubt that the girl–child is confronted with many challenges, ranging from societal marginalisation, sexual molestation, gender discrimination, and cultural oppression. However, it is important to know that, like Malala; a lot of ladies have been able to rise to the peak of their careers despite these obstacles.

 

The girl-child must understand that she is not inferior to anybody, rather, she is made in God’s image, and she is fearfully and wonderfully made. She must see herself from God’s perspective, for her self-worth does not lie in the opinion of the society or of men but of what God says about you. Every girl-child must be told she is valuable.

 

The girl child must also understand that she is not without a God-given purpose. As a girl, there is a purpose why God made you. You are not here to fulfil the purpose of another man. You are unique; with an assignment to fulfil here on here. If you don’t come to this realisation, you will suffer from an inferiority complex.

 

For the girl-child to thrive in this contemporary world, she must strive to develop herself. Develop yourself academically as a girl. Get wisdom, get understanding. Improve yourself. Get skills. Develop your talents. Doing this will greatly open doors for you in the future.

You can’t overlook the importance of having a mentor, coach, or role model if you must advance in life as a girl. You need someone who will guard, help and motivate you to become all you are designed to be. Such a person must be mature, God-fearing, experienced, and filled with wisdom to properly guard you.

Like the father of Malala; parents, society, and the church must rise up to give support and encourage the girls-child to become all that God has designed them to be. Don’t be among those that abuse, violence, or take advantage of our girls-child. Be a source of inspiration and motivation for our girls-child. They need your support.

 

8 OBSTACLES TO MARITAL SYNERGY

 

- Pst.Gavin Aleogho

 

Here are 8 possible reasons why couples don’t work together as a great team. 

 

1. LACK OF COMMUNICATION

 

Poor or ineffective communication leads to misunderstandings, frustration, and emotional disconnection among couples.  Where there is a communication barrier, a gap will be created between couples, which will invariably give the devil a foothold in a marriage.

 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” 

Proverbs 15:1

 

2. PRIDE AND SELFISHNESS

 

When either spouse focuses on their own needs over the partnership, it creates division and tension in the marriage.

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”

Philippians 2:3

 

3. UNRESOLVED CONFLICTS AND UNFORGIVENESS

 

Refusing to forgive or holding onto past hurts affects the bond between couples. In the same vein, not addressing problems promptly causes bitterness and resentment, which invariably creates a gap between couples, thereby affecting the synergy in the marriage.

 

Hence, the scripture admonition is that,

 

"Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

Ephesians 4:26-27

 

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

Matthew 6:14

 

4. LACK OF TRUST

 

When there is lack of trust as a result of betrayal, fear of mistrust, it negatively affects the foundation of any marriage; thereby making synergy, teamwork and collaboration very difficult.

 “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.”

Proverbs 10:9

 

5. EXTERNAL INFLUENCES AND DISTRACTIONS

 

Negative external influences from relatives and friends can weaken the bond between couples. Allowing external pressures such as work and other things to take priority over your marriage can affect the synergy in your marriage.

 

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Mark 10:9

 

6. EMOTIONAL DISCONNECT

 

When there is an emotional disconnection between couples due to sex deprivation, lack of romance, or where there is no sharing of feelings, dreams, struggles, or intimate moments, it makes couples grow apart.

 

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

Romans 12:15

 

7. FINANCIAL DISAGREEMENTS

 

When there is disagreement over the issue of money it can affect the collaboration of couples. Financial challenges like debt, spending habits, mismanagement, secrecy, and financial instability are capable of wrecking the synergy of couples.

 

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.”

1 Timothy 6:10

 

8. SATANIC INTERFERENCE

 

Be aware that the devil and his agents are sold out to cause conflicts in homes and bring division among couples. This is one reason why couples must withstand the devil through prayers. When each couple has an intimate relationship with God, they can join forces to frustrate the agenda of the devil against their marriage.

 

Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

Matthew 18:18-19

 

9 BENEFITS OF WORKING TOGETHER AS COUPLE

- Pst. Gavin Aleogho

Here are 9 benefits that couples stand to gain when they work together in synergy; leveraging on their strengths.
 
1. STRONGER FAMILY BOND
 
Working together fosters trust, unity and emotional closeness. It helps the couple to build a solid foundation for their marriage. It strengthens the overall bond between couples, making it easier for the couples to face life’s challenges together.
 
2. BETTER AND QUICKER CONFLICT RESOLUTION
 
When couples work together to achieve a goal, it helps them to quickly resolve conflicts. This is because their focus is on achieving the goal before them.
 
3. ENHANCE UNDERSTANDING
 
Because of the goal before the couples, they are mandated to work together, communicating often in clear terms. This invariably enhances the understanding between the couples.
 
4. INCREASE PROFITABILITY
 
You can’t compare the outcome from the labour of two people to that of just one individual. When couples work together, the output they get is far greater than you can imagine. Hence, the bible says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labour:” (Ecclesiastes 4:9).
 
5. MINIMIZE ERROR AND MISTAKE
 
Collaborative decision-making between couples leads to more balanced, well-thought-out choices, which help the couples to minimize error and mistake in attaining their goals.
 
6. BETTER MANAGEMENT OF RESOURCES
When couples work together in a transparent manner, they can easily avoid costly mistakes that will lead to financial loss, financial stress, or mismanagement of family resources. This will help them to better manage their resources; thereby reducing any form of loss and financial stress.
 
7. HELP TO RIGHTLY PRIORITIZE
 
When couples work together, they are able to set their priorities rightly. And when priorities are set right, it helps couples to achieve what is most important.
 
8. INCREASE VALUE FOR EACH OTHER
By working together, each partner feels valued in the marriage. Besides, synergy in marriage also helps partners to understand and appreciate the strength of the other, thereby increasing value for each other.
 
9. EVERYONE IS SATISFIED
 
Achieving goals together provides a deep sense of satisfaction and strengthens the partnership between couples. Thereby, both partners feel fulfilled, appreciated, and satisfied with each other without feeling cheated or neglected.
 
 

CONQUER THE FEAR OF TOMORROW

 

-Pst. Gavin Aleogho

Sade got married at 36 to a man who never loved her. The man was an opportunist who, because of her wealth and affluence, proposed marriage to her so that he could gain access to her wealth.
 
You might ask, “Why would Sade, a wise and God-fearing lady, make such a costly mistake?”
 
There were many reasons why Sade accepted his proposal. However, underneath all the reasons was a hidden fear in her heart. She fears that if she doesn’t accept his proposal, another man will not come tomorrow.
 
This is what I call making decisions because of the fear of tomorrow. Just like Sade, many have made a lot of decisions under pressure simply because of the fear of tomorrow.
 
There are different types of fear that plague every mortal. It ranges from the fear of death, the fear of man, the fear of failure, and many other forms of fear. Lately, I discovered that “the fear of tomorrow” is a major drive for the misbehaviour of a lot of people.
 
The fear of tomorrow is an anxiety about what lies ahead in the future. It is a fear that is fuelled by the happenings around and the many uncertainties in our world. It stems from not knowing what will happen next and the fear of negative outcomes.
 
Sincerely speaking, there are many uncertainties in our world that, if you don’t guide your heart, it is capable of pushing you to do something stupid. Irrespective of the happenings around us, we must learn to rest in the fact that there is a God that sustains everyone who trusts in Him.
 
The fear of tomorrow says, “If I can barely eat today, what is the possibility that I will not be in a worse state tomorrow.”
 
This fear will whisper to your heart, “If you don’t take advantage of this illegitimate opportunity of the moment, you will go hungry tomorrow.”
 
Why do people steal and venture into many forms of evil? They are afraid that if they don't act now, they won't have what they need tomorrow. Hence, the fear of tomorrow has pushed a lot of people into illicit ventures.
 
On the other hand, the fear of tomorrow has hindered a lot of people from doing the right things. It will stop you from giving to the needy. This fear will say, “If you give that little that you have, you will not have to eat tomorrow.” Thus, it has caused many to be greedy, wicked, and cruel to their fellow man. Like the rich fool in Luke 12:15-21, this fear is the reason why people hoard resources.
 
He that withholdeth corn, the people shall curse him: but blessing shall be upon the head of him that selleth it.
Proverbs 11:26
 
The widow of Zarephath, who God had previously instructed to support Elijah, almost refrained from giving a meal to Elijah because of the fear of tomorrow. Thank God she later obeyed God and she lived many days after. (1 Kings 17:7-16).
 
A lot of God’s children have missed out on the glorious package that the Lord has in store for them, simply because they allow the fear of tomorrow to stop them from yielding to God’s instruction.
 
The primary cause of corruption in any nation is the fear of tomorrow. People steal, take bribes, and emblaze government funds to secure their tomorrow and the future of their children. The same fear motivated Gehazi to lie to Naaman to receive the gift that Prophet Elisha rejected. (2 Kings 5:20-27).
 
Do you think Elisha turned down Naaman’s gift because he had too much? I don't think so. Elisha, as well as the early fathers of faith, have learnt to live one day at a time; trusting that God will take care of them tomorrow.
 
This is the kind of life that Jesus wants all His followers to live. It's a life where we are not afraid of tomorrow. This is the true life of faith. It's a life of contentment where we appreciate God for the present while we trust that "because He lives we can face tomorrow."
 
If you understand this, you won't be afraid to share what you have, because you know that according to the words of Jesus, "tomorrow will take care of itself."
 
Your ability to stand against the fear of tomorrow is a sign that you really trust God. Many claim to have faith in God, but when the die is cast, that is when we know if your faith is in God or in your bank account.
 
The error of many believers is that they try to acquire a lot of material wealth so that they can have something for their faith to rest on. There is nothing wrong with acquiring wealth. However, it’s a misplaced priority to place your faith in your material possessions.
 
Anything in this world can crumble. Money can fail. Plans can fail. Men are not reliable. This is the reason why your faith must only be in God, not in things. Not on systems. Not the government. Your faith should not even be in your plans but in the One who sustains all things by the word of His power.
 
The LORD loves it when we totally depend on Him. The Lord is not against saving, investing, or planning for tomorrow. What the Lord frowns at is when we are motivated by fear, greed, and lack of faith.
 
Don't allow the fear of tomorrow to be your motivation in life. Let the Lord alone be your fear. Then will you be able to live one day at a time, enjoying every moment while you trust God for more glorious days ahead.
 
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:34 NKJV