It was a joyous celebration in the house of Caleb who bought his first car, a dark blue Honda Civic 2010 model. Before I came to their residence that day, there were a lot of people already in Caleb’s house. I could only recognize a few of the faces in the house.
In that celebration mood, I discovered that his wife's countenance was not okay. Although she tried to fake a smile, as a good observer, I discovered that she was not really happy. As a close friend and a spiritual counsellor to the couple, I excused her and asked, “What’s the matter, my sister? You know you can’t lie to me. What is going on?”
“Yes, Pastor Gavin. I am supposed to be happy. But my husband?
“What is it about your husband?” I pressed further.
“You would not believe that my husband never told me that he was going to buy a car.” She voiced out with tears in her eyes.
When I asked Caleb why he didn’t carry the wife along concerning the plan to buy a car for the family, he objected and said, “She is not telling the truth, but I told her. I remember telling her, and she did not say anything.”
“When did you tell her?” I asked.
“I told her a week before I bought the car.”
“Can you imagine, Pastor Gavin?” The wife said angrily.
“How did you tell her?” I probed further.
Facing the wife, he said, “When we hosted Mr. and Mrs. Rafia for dinner, we were all at the dinner table eating. I said it to everyone hearing that I will be buying a car next week.”
The wife interjected, “He said it casually, without seeking my input. Besides, that was the first time I was hearing my husband talking about buying a car. This is how he has been running the home for a long time now. My husband doesn't value me. He doesn't love me. He sees me as a nonentity in this house.”
“Babe, don’t say that. You know I love and value you.” The husband responded surprisingly.
OKAY, HERE IS A QUESTION FOR YOU...
Do you think the wife has reasons to be angry?
Was the husband actually wrong?
What do you say about the husband’s way of communicating his intention to his wife?
Now, let’s learn some lessons from this story.
10 IMPORTANT LESSONS TO AVOID TROUBLE IN YOUR MARRIAGE
LESSON 1: Communicate With An Open Mind
Don’t make up your mind before speaking to your spouse about important matters. Be willing to seek the opinion of your spouse before you execute the matter.
The danger of making up your mind before speaking to your spouse is that your mind is already made up. Whatever your spouse says will not change your mind.
LESSON 2: Seek To Have Dialogue With Your Spouse
Effective communication involves dialogue. Always seek to have a dialogue with your spouse concerning any important thing you want to talk about. This was where Caleb got it wrong.
To have a dialogue is to have a discussion. To have dialogue is to have a conversation about the subject matter. It’s in the place of dialogue that suggestions are given. Your spouse also has something to bring to the table.
Husbands especially need to work on this aspect of their lives.
LESSON 3: Carry Your Spouse Along From The Onset
Except in the case of an emergency, ensure that you carry your spouse along from the inception of the idea. That was another problem with Caleb. Can you imagine that he has been planning for months to buy a car, but yet, he didn’t deem it fit to carry his wife along in the plan? You could now understand why the wife was angry.
Don’t jump on your spouse with an important issue that you would have spoken about earlier. If you must win your spouse over, speak to them about important issues on time.
LESSON 4: Consider The Environment
Just like there is a right time for everything. There is also the right place (environment) to discuss sensitive issues.
Don’t be like Caleb who was speaking about important issues to his wife in the presence of other people. Important issues should be discussed when both of you are alone; not even in the presence of your children. It could be at night or at any convenient time.
Your spouse must be the first person that should know about your next move, before any other person.
LESSON 5: Apply Empathy
Always put yourself in your spouse's shoes. If your spouse treats you the way you are treating him or her, will you be happy? Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.
Do you want your spouse to reveal the password of his or her bank account while you are hiding yours? It may not work. You want your wife to speak to you respectfully in a calm tone, but on the other hand, you speak to your wife as if she is trash. It does not work that way.
Always put yourself in the shoes of your spouse.
LESSON 6: Seek To Be Understood
Don’t just seek to be heard, but seek to be understood. Don’t just talk to your spouse; talk in such a way that your spouse will understand you clearly without any ambiguity.
LESSON 7: Get Rid Of Selfishness
Selfishness is the act of loving yourself. Selfishness is valuing only your opinion. Selfishness is seeking only your interest. You can’t convince your spouse when the motive behind your conversation is only for your personal interest.
LESSON 8: Ensure Your Spouse Is Fully Persuaded
Good intention is good, but it is not good enough unless you are able to persuade your spouse to buy into it. You must have the ability to sell your good intentions to your spouse, convincingly.
You shouldn’t just give commands or pass information casually to your spouse, like Caleb. You must convince your spouse to believe what you are trying to tell him or her.
LESSON 9: Be Patient With Your Spouse
Don’t rush things on your spouse. Give room for your spouse to come to your level of understanding. It might take some time for you to successfully persuade your spouse. Just keep at it. Rome is not built in a day.
LESSON 10: Pray To God About The Issue
The Lord is able to change anybody’s mind. When you are having a challenge convincing your spouse, then you have to talk to God to help you achieve that.
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