A TYPICAL PROBLEM IN MOST MARRIAGES

- Pst. Gavin Aleogho

  

It was a joyous celebration in the house of Caleb who bought his first car, a dark blue Honda Civic 2010 model. Before I came to their residence that day, there were a lot of people already in Caleb’s house. I could only recognize a few of the faces in the house.

 

In that celebration mood, I discovered that his wife's countenance was not okay. Although she tried to fake a smile, as a good observer, I discovered that she was not really happy. As a close friend and a spiritual counsellor to the couple, I excused her and asked, “What’s the matter, my sister? You know you can’t lie to me. What is going on?”

 

“Yes, Pastor Gavin. I am supposed to be happy. But my husband?

 

“What is it about your husband?” I pressed further.

 

“You would not believe that my husband never told me that he was going to buy a car.” She voiced out with tears in her eyes.

 

When I asked Caleb why he didn’t carry the wife along concerning the plan to buy a car for the family, he objected and said, “She is not telling the truth, but I told her. I remember telling her, and she did not say anything.”

 

“When did you tell her?” I asked.

 

“I told her a week before I bought the car.”

 

“Can you imagine, Pastor Gavin?” The wife said angrily.

 

“How did you tell her?” I probed further.

 

Facing the wife, he said, “When we hosted Mr. and Mrs. Rafia for dinner, we were all at the dinner table eating. I said it to everyone hearing that I will be buying a car next week.”

 

The wife interjected, “He said it casually, without seeking my input. Besides, that was the first time I was hearing my husband talking about buying a car. This is how he has been running the home for a long time now. My husband doesn't value me. He doesn't love me. He sees me as a nonentity in this house.”

 

“Babe, don’t say that. You know I love and value you.” The husband responded surprisingly.

 

OKAY, HERE IS A QUESTION FOR YOU...

 

Do you think the wife has reasons to be angry?

 

Was the husband actually wrong?

 

What do you say about the husband’s way of communicating his intention to his wife?

  

Now, let’s learn some lessons from this story.

 

10 IMPORTANT LESSONS TO AVOID TROUBLE IN YOUR MARRIAGE

 

LESSON 1: Communicate With An Open Mind

 

Don’t make up your mind before speaking to your spouse about important matters. Be willing to seek the opinion of your spouse before you execute the matter.

  

The danger of making up your mind before speaking to your spouse is that your mind is already made up. Whatever your spouse says will not change your mind.

 

LESSON 2: Seek To Have Dialogue With Your Spouse

 

Effective communication involves dialogue. Always seek to have a dialogue with your spouse concerning any important thing you want to talk about.  This was where Caleb got it wrong.

 

To have a dialogue is to have a discussion. To have dialogue is to have a conversation about the subject matter. It’s in the place of dialogue that suggestions are given. Your spouse also has something to bring to the table.

 

Husbands especially need to work on this aspect of their lives.

 

LESSON 3: Carry Your Spouse Along From The Onset

 

Except in the case of an emergency, ensure that you carry your spouse along from the inception of the idea. That was another problem with Caleb. Can you imagine that he has been planning for months to buy a car, but yet, he didn’t deem it fit to carry his wife along in the plan? You could now understand why the wife was angry.

 

Don’t jump on your spouse with an important issue that you would have spoken about earlier. If you must win your spouse over, speak to them about important issues on time.

 

LESSON 4: Consider The Environment

 

Just like there is a right time for everything. There is also the right place (environment) to discuss sensitive issues.

 

Don’t be like Caleb who was speaking about important issues to his wife in the presence of other people. Important issues should be discussed when both of you are alone; not even in the presence of your children. It could be at night or at any convenient time.

 

Your spouse must be the first person that should know about your next move, before any other person.

  

LESSON 5: Apply Empathy

 

Always put yourself in your spouse's shoes. If your spouse treats you the way you are treating him or her, will you be happy? Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated.

 

Do you want your spouse to reveal the password of his or her bank account while you are hiding yours? It may not work. You want your wife to speak to you respectfully in a calm tone, but on the other hand, you speak to your wife as if she is trash. It does not work that way.

 

Always put yourself in the shoes of your spouse.

  

LESSON 6: Seek To Be Understood

 

Don’t just seek to be heard, but seek to be understood. Don’t just talk to your spouse; talk in such a way that your spouse will understand you clearly without any ambiguity.

 

LESSON 7: Get Rid Of Selfishness

 

Selfishness is the act of loving yourself. Selfishness is valuing only your opinion. Selfishness is seeking only your interest. You can’t convince your spouse when the motive behind your conversation is only for your personal interest.

 

LESSON 8: Ensure Your Spouse Is Fully Persuaded

 

Good intention is good, but it is not good enough unless you are able to persuade your spouse to buy into it. You must have the ability to sell your good intentions to your spouse, convincingly.

 

You shouldn’t just give commands or pass information casually to your spouse, like Caleb. You must convince your spouse to believe what you are trying to tell him or her.

 

LESSON 9: Be Patient With Your Spouse

 

Don’t rush things on your spouse. Give room for your spouse to come to your level of understanding. It might take some time for you to successfully persuade your spouse. Just keep at it. Rome is not built in a day.

 

LESSON 10: Pray To God About The Issue

 

The Lord is able to change anybody’s mind. When you are having a challenge convincing your spouse, then you have to talk to God to help you achieve that.

10 KEYS TO ATTAINING STRONG MARITAL BOND

- Pst. Gavin Aleogho

1. EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

 

It is easy for couples to work together when they are emotionally connected. Such emotional connection is achieved when the emotional needs of each spouse are fully satisfied. This includes, but isn't limited to sexual satisfaction.

 

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Romans 12:15

 

2. ALIGN YOUR VALUES AND GOALS

 

Have regular discussions with your spouse to ensure that you both are on the same page regarding your life goals, values, and vision.  Such an act will greatly increase the synergy in your marriage. The reverse is the case when couples do not align their goals together. They will end up moving in different directions; creating division.

Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9

 

3. DEVELOP STRONG COMMUNICATION

 

When there is an environment where both partners feel safe to express their thoughts, needs, and concerns openly, it gives room for understanding and synergy in marriage.

Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.

Colossians 4:6

 

4. CULTIVATE TRUST AND TRANSPARENCY

 

In marriage, trust is the foundation for working together. When trust is built, working together becomes easy. Being honest, open, and transparent with each other will greatly increase the synergy in your marriage.

 

He who walks with integrity walks securely, but he who perverts his ways will be found out.

Proverbs 10:9

 

5. SPENDING QUALITY TIME TOGETHER

 

The more you spend time together, the more you have the opportunity to align your goals and vision together. Take advantage of calls and social media to stay in touch, if you can’t meet physically as you would have loved to. Be intentional about spending quality time together to bond together, emotionally and mentally.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 

Proverbs 3:3

 

6. ENCOURAGE AND MOTIVATE EACH OTHER

 

Your spouse will joyfully want to always carry you along when he or she is convinced that you are always an encourager. Believe in your spouse. Encourage your spouse. Don’t be selfish. Support each other’s personal growth and dreams.

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11

 

7. PRACTICE FORGIVENESS AND RECONCILIATION

 

As you journey on this path of marriage, there will be friction and misunderstanding. Learn to quickly address conflicts and misunderstandings with humility and forgiveness to maintain unity and synergy in your marriage.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. 

Ephesians 4:32

 

8. EMBRACE TEAMWORK AND DELEGATION

 

Don’t be a jack of all trades. Don’t let your differences divide you. Rather, leverage on the strength of your spouse and delegate responsibility accordingly. Let your spouse feel belong. Let your spouse be part of the process towards achieving that goal. Don’t relegate your spouse to the corner.

 

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 

Galatians 6:2

 

9. GROWTH TOGETHER

 

By growing together, couples will bridge the gap between themselves. Each partner must see to the continuous improvement of the other. You can achieve this together by attending marriage workshops, reading books, and seeking marital counsel together.

Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

Proverbs 27:17

 

10. PRAYING TOGETHER

 

Praying together is one smart way to maintain synergy in your marriage. In prayer, you are activating spiritual help for the actualization of your dreams. Regularly pray together concerning any matter. Other spiritual activities like worship and doing Bible study together will also foster unity in your marriage.

 

The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. 

James 5:16

THRIVING AS A GIRL-CHILD

Written by Gavin Aleogho

 

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Psalms 139:14

 

Malala Yousafzai was born in 1997 in Swat Valley, Pakistan, to a modest family. Malala grew up in a region where the Taliban increasingly imposed strict rules, especially curtailing the education of girls. Thanks to her father, a passionate advocate for education. Her father inspired her to fight for the right to learn despite these oppressive conditions.

 

Despite the oppression and assassination attempt on her life, she rose to become a major voice for girl-child, an activist for girls-education. Through her advocacy, many girls rose from obscurity to prominence. She is a symbol of courage and resilience.

 

The story of Malala Yousafzai is one I love to use to inspire and motivate girls. It tells how a girl-child can rise to become what God has designed her to be, despite the many challenges confronting her.

 

The girl-child is a unique gift from God that everyone must recognize, appreciate, and celebrate. Her potential is limitless. A girl-child that is encouraged and supported by parents and society will always evolve to become a major contributor to the advancement of the society. This is why Michelle Obama said, “When girls are educated, their countries become stronger and more prosperous."

There is no doubt that the girl–child is confronted with many challenges, ranging from societal marginalisation, sexual molestation, gender discrimination, and cultural oppression. However, it is important to know that, like Malala; a lot of ladies have been able to rise to the peak of their careers despite these obstacles.

 

The girl-child must understand that she is not inferior to anybody, rather, she is made in God’s image, and she is fearfully and wonderfully made. She must see herself from God’s perspective, for her self-worth does not lie in the opinion of the society or of men but of what God says about you. Every girl-child must be told she is valuable.

 

The girl child must also understand that she is not without a God-given purpose. As a girl, there is a purpose why God made you. You are not here to fulfil the purpose of another man. You are unique; with an assignment to fulfil here on here. If you don’t come to this realisation, you will suffer from an inferiority complex.

 

For the girl-child to thrive in this contemporary world, she must strive to develop herself. Develop yourself academically as a girl. Get wisdom, get understanding. Improve yourself. Get skills. Develop your talents. Doing this will greatly open doors for you in the future.

You can’t overlook the importance of having a mentor, coach, or role model if you must advance in life as a girl. You need someone who will guard, help and motivate you to become all you are designed to be. Such a person must be mature, God-fearing, experienced, and filled with wisdom to properly guard you.

Like the father of Malala; parents, society, and the church must rise up to give support and encourage the girls-child to become all that God has designed them to be. Don’t be among those that abuse, violence, or take advantage of our girls-child. Be a source of inspiration and motivation for our girls-child. They need your support.

 

8 OBSTACLES TO MARITAL SYNERGY

 

- Pst.Gavin Aleogho

 

Here are 8 possible reasons why couples don’t work together as a great team. 

 

1. LACK OF COMMUNICATION

 

Poor or ineffective communication leads to misunderstandings, frustration, and emotional disconnection among couples.  Where there is a communication barrier, a gap will be created between couples, which will invariably give the devil a foothold in a marriage.

 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” 

Proverbs 15:1

 

2. PRIDE AND SELFISHNESS

 

When either spouse focuses on their own needs over the partnership, it creates division and tension in the marriage.

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”

Philippians 2:3

 

3. UNRESOLVED CONFLICTS AND UNFORGIVENESS

 

Refusing to forgive or holding onto past hurts affects the bond between couples. In the same vein, not addressing problems promptly causes bitterness and resentment, which invariably creates a gap between couples, thereby affecting the synergy in the marriage.

 

Hence, the scripture admonition is that,

 

"Be angry, and do not sin": do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil.

Ephesians 4:26-27

 

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

Matthew 6:14

 

4. LACK OF TRUST

 

When there is lack of trust as a result of betrayal, fear of mistrust, it negatively affects the foundation of any marriage; thereby making synergy, teamwork and collaboration very difficult.

 “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out.”

Proverbs 10:9

 

5. EXTERNAL INFLUENCES AND DISTRACTIONS

 

Negative external influences from relatives and friends can weaken the bond between couples. Allowing external pressures such as work and other things to take priority over your marriage can affect the synergy in your marriage.

 

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Mark 10:9

 

6. EMOTIONAL DISCONNECT

 

When there is an emotional disconnection between couples due to sex deprivation, lack of romance, or where there is no sharing of feelings, dreams, struggles, or intimate moments, it makes couples grow apart.

 

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”

Romans 12:15

 

7. FINANCIAL DISAGREEMENTS

 

When there is disagreement over the issue of money it can affect the collaboration of couples. Financial challenges like debt, spending habits, mismanagement, secrecy, and financial instability are capable of wrecking the synergy of couples.

 

“For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.”

1 Timothy 6:10

 

8. SATANIC INTERFERENCE

 

Be aware that the devil and his agents are sold out to cause conflicts in homes and bring division among couples. This is one reason why couples must withstand the devil through prayers. When each couple has an intimate relationship with God, they can join forces to frustrate the agenda of the devil against their marriage.

 

Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

Matthew 18:18-19

 

9 BENEFITS OF WORKING TOGETHER AS COUPLE

- Pst. Gavin Aleogho

Here are 9 benefits that couples stand to gain when they work together in synergy; leveraging on their strengths.
 
1. STRONGER FAMILY BOND
 
Working together fosters trust, unity and emotional closeness. It helps the couple to build a solid foundation for their marriage. It strengthens the overall bond between couples, making it easier for the couples to face life’s challenges together.
 
2. BETTER AND QUICKER CONFLICT RESOLUTION
 
When couples work together to achieve a goal, it helps them to quickly resolve conflicts. This is because their focus is on achieving the goal before them.
 
3. ENHANCE UNDERSTANDING
 
Because of the goal before the couples, they are mandated to work together, communicating often in clear terms. This invariably enhances the understanding between the couples.
 
4. INCREASE PROFITABILITY
 
You can’t compare the outcome from the labour of two people to that of just one individual. When couples work together, the output they get is far greater than you can imagine. Hence, the bible says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labour:” (Ecclesiastes 4:9).
 
5. MINIMIZE ERROR AND MISTAKE
 
Collaborative decision-making between couples leads to more balanced, well-thought-out choices, which help the couples to minimize error and mistake in attaining their goals.
 
6. BETTER MANAGEMENT OF RESOURCES
When couples work together in a transparent manner, they can easily avoid costly mistakes that will lead to financial loss, financial stress, or mismanagement of family resources. This will help them to better manage their resources; thereby reducing any form of loss and financial stress.
 
7. HELP TO RIGHTLY PRIORITIZE
 
When couples work together, they are able to set their priorities rightly. And when priorities are set right, it helps couples to achieve what is most important.
 
8. INCREASE VALUE FOR EACH OTHER
By working together, each partner feels valued in the marriage. Besides, synergy in marriage also helps partners to understand and appreciate the strength of the other, thereby increasing value for each other.
 
9. EVERYONE IS SATISFIED
 
Achieving goals together provides a deep sense of satisfaction and strengthens the partnership between couples. Thereby, both partners feel fulfilled, appreciated, and satisfied with each other without feeling cheated or neglected.
 
 

CONQUER THE FEAR OF TOMORROW

 

-Pst. Gavin Aleogho

Sade got married at 36 to a man who never loved her. The man was an opportunist who, because of her wealth and affluence, proposed marriage to her so that he could gain access to her wealth.
 
You might ask, “Why would Sade, a wise and God-fearing lady, make such a costly mistake?”
 
There were many reasons why Sade accepted his proposal. However, underneath all the reasons was a hidden fear in her heart. She fears that if she doesn’t accept his proposal, another man will not come tomorrow.
 
This is what I call making decisions because of the fear of tomorrow. Just like Sade, many have made a lot of decisions under pressure simply because of the fear of tomorrow.
 
There are different types of fear that plague every mortal. It ranges from the fear of death, the fear of man, the fear of failure, and many other forms of fear. Lately, I discovered that “the fear of tomorrow” is a major drive for the misbehaviour of a lot of people.
 
The fear of tomorrow is an anxiety about what lies ahead in the future. It is a fear that is fuelled by the happenings around and the many uncertainties in our world. It stems from not knowing what will happen next and the fear of negative outcomes.
 
Sincerely speaking, there are many uncertainties in our world that, if you don’t guide your heart, it is capable of pushing you to do something stupid. Irrespective of the happenings around us, we must learn to rest in the fact that there is a God that sustains everyone who trusts in Him.
 
The fear of tomorrow says, “If I can barely eat today, what is the possibility that I will not be in a worse state tomorrow.”
 
This fear will whisper to your heart, “If you don’t take advantage of this illegitimate opportunity of the moment, you will go hungry tomorrow.”
 
Why do people steal and venture into many forms of evil? They are afraid that if they don't act now, they won't have what they need tomorrow. Hence, the fear of tomorrow has pushed a lot of people into illicit ventures.
 
On the other hand, the fear of tomorrow has hindered a lot of people from doing the right things. It will stop you from giving to the needy. This fear will say, “If you give that little that you have, you will not have to eat tomorrow.” Thus, it has caused many to be greedy, wicked, and cruel to their fellow man. Like the rich fool in Luke 12:15-21, this fear is the reason why people hoard resources.
 
He that withholdeth corn, the people shall curse him: but blessing shall be upon the head of him that selleth it.
Proverbs 11:26
 
The widow of Zarephath, who God had previously instructed to support Elijah, almost refrained from giving a meal to Elijah because of the fear of tomorrow. Thank God she later obeyed God and she lived many days after. (1 Kings 17:7-16).
 
A lot of God’s children have missed out on the glorious package that the Lord has in store for them, simply because they allow the fear of tomorrow to stop them from yielding to God’s instruction.
 
The primary cause of corruption in any nation is the fear of tomorrow. People steal, take bribes, and emblaze government funds to secure their tomorrow and the future of their children. The same fear motivated Gehazi to lie to Naaman to receive the gift that Prophet Elisha rejected. (2 Kings 5:20-27).
 
Do you think Elisha turned down Naaman’s gift because he had too much? I don't think so. Elisha, as well as the early fathers of faith, have learnt to live one day at a time; trusting that God will take care of them tomorrow.
 
This is the kind of life that Jesus wants all His followers to live. It's a life where we are not afraid of tomorrow. This is the true life of faith. It's a life of contentment where we appreciate God for the present while we trust that "because He lives we can face tomorrow."
 
If you understand this, you won't be afraid to share what you have, because you know that according to the words of Jesus, "tomorrow will take care of itself."
 
Your ability to stand against the fear of tomorrow is a sign that you really trust God. Many claim to have faith in God, but when the die is cast, that is when we know if your faith is in God or in your bank account.
 
The error of many believers is that they try to acquire a lot of material wealth so that they can have something for their faith to rest on. There is nothing wrong with acquiring wealth. However, it’s a misplaced priority to place your faith in your material possessions.
 
Anything in this world can crumble. Money can fail. Plans can fail. Men are not reliable. This is the reason why your faith must only be in God, not in things. Not on systems. Not the government. Your faith should not even be in your plans but in the One who sustains all things by the word of His power.
 
The LORD loves it when we totally depend on Him. The Lord is not against saving, investing, or planning for tomorrow. What the Lord frowns at is when we are motivated by fear, greed, and lack of faith.
 
Don't allow the fear of tomorrow to be your motivation in life. Let the Lord alone be your fear. Then will you be able to live one day at a time, enjoying every moment while you trust God for more glorious days ahead.
 
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
Matthew 6:34 NKJV
 
 
 

SYNERGY IN MARRIAGE

Pst. Gavin Aleogho

How can I forget that impactful marriage seminar where I was one of the key speakers? I remember the seriousness in Mrs. Gaboa's face as she asked her questions. She turned to me and asked, "How can I become my husband's best friend?"

 

I could remember Mrs. Gaboa’s lamentation as she continued by saying, “My husband and I live as strangers in our house. Although he makes provisions available, that closeness and friendliness that we used to enjoy during our courtship period is no longer there. He makes decisions without carrying me along.”

 

I guess she felt free to express herself, thanks to the fact that her husband was not present in the meeting, unlike other couples who came to the meeting together.

 

“To be sincere with you, Pastor Gavin, I am a manager in the company where I work. My company has increased its profits and expanded into new markets thanks to my knowledge and experience. But you know what? At home, my husband rarely listens to me. Neither does he accept my suggestion, even when he knows that I am right.”

 

You could feel her pain as she spoke. And from the looks on some of the attendees' faces, you could tell that other women were having similar challenges. Some husbands also suffer the same thing from their wives.

 

“A lot of times he has been duped. He has been a victim of many business deals that have gone sour.” She continued. “There is one business deal where he lost more than seven million naira. I warned him, but he did listen. I had experience in that area of business he was going into, but he never welcomed my suggestions.”

 

“Pastor Gavin, how can one synergy with a spouse who does not see anything good in his wife save for sex and house chores?” She finally dropped the question.

 

There is a need for couples to work together. When couples learn to synergise together, they have more profit and conquer more territory.

 

It’s good to have good two eyes. However, if you have four eyes, it is far better because you will be able to see things from different perspectives. This is the benefit that comes with marriage. You are able to use your eyes and the eyes of your spouse to assess situations. You can bring in your expertise and the expertise of your spouse to handle situations.

 

You will be cheating yourself when you don’t take advantage of the wisdom and expertise of your spouse concerning a matter.

 

This is the undoing of many marriages. Husbands look down on their wives, while some wives are the ones looking down on their husbands. Everyone is just doing his or her thing. Forgetting that one will chase a thousand but two will put ten thousand to flight. This can only be achieved through intentional synergy between the husband and the wife to achieve every goal.

 

CONVINCING AND PERSUADING YOUR SPOUSE

- Pst. Gavin Aleogho

After many attempts to convince the husband, Sandra gave up trying. For the issue has led to many emotional outbursts between the couple. It has even affected their intimacy.

Even before Oshogwe got married to Sandra, he has been keeping his hair very bushy. On the other hand, his wife does not like her husband keeping a bushy hair. Why then did she accept his proposal? That is a question for another day.

The wife gets irritated with the husband’s hair, considering the fact that he does not maintain the hair which makes it smell with a lot of dirty particles.

She has tried to bear with it but to no avail. The question remains, how can she be able to convince her husband to keep a style of hair that she really loves?

One of the common challenges in marriage is the inability of a spouse to convince the other concerning an issue. This has led to diverse degree of misunderstanding in marriages.

This misunderstanding is not necessarily because one of the spouses is not communicating rightly about the issue on ground. Rather, the problem is that the other partner is not seeing things from the same perspective as his spouse. Hence, what needs to be done is left undone. What needs to change is left unchanged.

This challenge can also be seen in a case where a partner is not okay with the behaviour or attitude of the other. And he or she has tried several times to speak to his partner concerning the matter. But sadly, the other person is not seeing the seriousness of the issues. Thus, the problem lingers beyond normal.

Now, if you’ve tried talking about a problem to your spouse and he or she is not seeing any reason to change, there is a need for you to try another approach to convey your dissatisfaction. For not until your spouse is fully persuaded, he or she will never change.

So, your aim is not just to talk about the issue. Wisdom demands that you deploy another approach to convince your spouse so that he or she can have enough reasons to change and follow your way.

Let me share with you four effective ways to achieve this.

4 WAYS TO EFFECTIVELY CONVINCE YOUR SPOUSE

1. INDIRECT COMPARISON

This is a form of conviction that is achieved by mirroring your ideal desire to your spouse using another person, object or scenario.

Take for example, if you want your wife to slim down a little bit, you could say, “Ladies that are slim look bright, brilliant and beautiful.” By saying such, you are indirectly mirroring your desire to your wife using another person. If your wife is wise she will understand that you want her to slim down.

Mrs. Sandra could deploy the indirect comparison by saying to her husband, “men who cut their hair look neat, responsible and charming.”

As effective as this method may seem, you have to be careful of the kind of comparison that you used to avoid being misunderstood.

2. ENVIRONMENTAL EFFECT

This is where you intentionally bring your spouse to an environment where he or she would see or hear what you’ve been trying to tell him through another person.

Such an environment could be any marriage forum where couples are taught on how they can succeed in marriage. Many persons, especially women have testified how their husband has positively changed since they joined our Couples’ Corners (Marriage Matters) WhatsApp platform. It’s a platform where we teach and also share valuable materials that will help couples and intending couples. You too can join in, if you so desire.

So, depending on the matter at hand, you might need to bring your spouse to an environment where he can learn from an expert. If it is health related issues, bring him or her to health forums. If it is problem of mismanagement of money, get him or her to attend financial seminars.

3. EXPOSURE TO RIGHT MATERIALS

This is when you deliberately expose your spouse to materials that could help him or her to see reasons and change for the better, for a glorious marriage.

There are a lot of materials out there which will greatly help your marriage in this regard. These materials range from videos, audio, books, articles, movies etc.

Your job is to discover the best way that your spouse can learn better and expose them to materials that will help them to become a better person. So, you can buy a book for your spouse if you want his life to change based on the content of the book.

You could persuade him or her to watch a particular movie that addresses the problem in your marriage. Today, there are a lot of Christian movies that will greatly help you in this regard.

In the same vein, there are a lot of audio messages on marriage, family and relationships that you can take advantage of.

4. THE INVOLVEMENT OF A THIRD-PARTY

This aspect has to be traded with caution as the involvement of a third party to some marriage has led to the destruction of the marriage. Despite that, I still recommend that there are issues that you need to get the involvement of a third-party who could be a pastor, marriage counsellor or a professional in the area you want help.

Most times, it will be more convincing to your spouse when he or she hears from a professional who is God-fearing, experienced, matured with vast knowledge on the subject matter.

Personally, I have greatly leveraged on this. Thanks to the wonderful people that God brought our way in our early years in marriage. Their counsel greatly helped us.

For the scripture says..

Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14

Personally, I don’t recommend the involvement of relatives on such matters. This is because even though they may be sincere, there might be bias in their judgment.

Take advantage of these four approaches to better your marriage.

RED FLAGS IN RELATIONSHIPS

 - Pst. Gavin Aleogho

A red flag in a relationship is a warning sign that something is not right in the relationship. It is a behaviour, attitude, action, or pattern that serves as a warning sign that the relationship may not be safe, healthy, beneficial or compatible for you.

 

Red flags are hint to deeper issues like dishonesty, lack of respect, control, or emotional instability that can lead to bigger problems if not addressed. Basically, red flags serve as cues that you should evaluate the relationship carefully before moving forward into marriage.

 

If you are in a relationship with the intention of getting married to the individual, carefully watch out against any of the following red flags.

 

23 RED FLAGS TO BE WARY OF IN RELATIONSHIP

 

1. If he or she doesn't listen to you or seek to understand your view, it's a red flag.

 

2. If his or her presence irritates you, it's a red flag. You are not meant for each other.

 

3. If you often feel intimidated in the relationship, it's a red flag.

 

4. When he or she is not proud to present you before his family and friends. It's a red flag.

 

5. When he or she feels insecure and intimidated by your achievements, it's a red flag.

 

6. When he or she finds it difficult to trust you even after you’ve tried your best. It’s a red flag.

 

7. When he or she finds it difficult to forgive and let go of the past; always bringing up past issues. It’s a red flag.

 

8. When the gap (either age, academic, social or spiritual gap) between both of you is always a reason for conflict and displeasure, it's a red flag.

 

9. When he or she always disdains, scorns, and despite your dreams and aspirations. It’s a red flag.

 

10. When you don't feel accepted and appreciated by his or her circle of friends and relatives, it’s a red flag.

 

11. When he or she is too possessive, it is a red flag.

 

12. Any trace of irresponsibility is a red flag.

 

13. Any trace of hatred against your tribe, race, or colour is a red flag.

 

14. Any trace of sexual unfaithfulness is a red flag.

 

15. Any form of abuse against you is a red flag.

 

16. Consistent lying, dishonesty, deception, or hypocrisy is a red flag.

 

17. Any form of consistent mental instability is a red flag.

 

18. Any form of consistent manipulation is a red flag.

 

19. Any form of disrespect, disregard, or disdain against your person is a red flag.

 

20. When he or she is ashamed of your physical look or any part of your body. It’s a red flag.

 

21. When he or she is always trying to outsmart and take advantage of you, it’s a red flag.

 

22. When he or she does not respect your values. It’s a red flag.

 

23. When there is no mutual respect, love and honour for each other. It's a red flag.

 

Disclaimer:

If you observe any of the above tendencies, before making any decision to either stay or quit the relationship, I will strongly admonish you to:  

 

i. Pray about the issue.

ii. Talk about the issue between yourselves.                                                 

iii. Seek professional counsel from a godly counsellor.